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Everything I've known...

There are a lot of things I have failed to admit, and failed to remember or think about. My past is one huge mess of heartbreak and anger... and confusion. I surpressed all of these emotions. Tonight I had a sudden urge to log into my old myspace account, and it started with the old photos and comments and grew into lets see what happened in these blog entries between myself and an ex boyfriend.

Then I remember all the spiders I have in my closet and how much they still really hurt. SO much so that I'm tearing up right now thinking about it, and I have so many 'what if's'. I can't even remember why I did so much of what I did back then, or why I felt the way I did. I was so stupid. Where would I be today if I had been different. I realize now that it was all my fault.

I realize why I have so few friends, I tore them all away, or threw them all away. I am a terrible person. I can't forget the past. I can't forget being 3 years old and chasing you down our field, and stealing kisses before we even knew what it meant. I ruined all that 13 years later. I can't be 14 again. I can't be 16 again. You waited so long, and I hated everything about life and now I feel like I ruined the only thing we shared. I don't want that anymore. It was elementary lust, right? I don't believe in sole mates. I don't believe in fate... or do I? I always tried to convince myself everything happens for a reason, but... do I really believe in anything?

I love Parker, more than anything in the whole world. More than I have ever loved anyone. But I hurt him so much, and I can't help that. Sometimes I wonder if I can give him everything he needs. It could be that its 2am, and I've been awake sense 7am yesterday, but maybe not. Maybe I dont need help. I'm not sure.

I'm just very tired and I'm not sure what I'm talking about. I am happy with how I feel about love right now, I guess I just can't picture myself doing anything successful or making anyone happy. Someone please tell me I'm doing something right, because I am so used to doing everything wrong.

I dont understand

I am so sick of planning things, and letting people know how things are going to happen. I'm done, actually.

I am only a human. I get sad, and I'm not a machine I cannot work forever. I work too much, and im tired. I have a 24 hour headache. I hardly ever fucking complain.

Today, my grandmother got sent to the hostpital. She could have died. She is the only grandmother I have ever known. Maybe shes not always nice to me, but I love her and shes my grandmother. Shes okay. But for a while I didnt know that.

I had a bad day. A terrible day. I hate working in retail/restaurant I HATE it. But I have a job, and it makes money.

I wanted to hang out with someone tonight, but they wanted to play a game with their friends. This was after he told me he would come for diner. But whatever. I understand we hung out all yesterday. But yesterday didnt suck, and I didnt NEED him yesterday.

I always feel like no one is ever there for me. Maybe that seems like i pity myself. But i dont. I never complain much. I just really wanted someone tonight. I guess thats too much to ask.

I guess maybe i'll lower my expectations. I wont EXPECT people to care. I'll stop jugling my schedule so that I make time to be with him. Hell I wont even call to ask if he wants me to bring him something because I know hes tight on cash.

There is one thing I can't really get over though. How come hes invited to hang out with my friends at parties, but I'm never invited to play board games? Am I unattractive or annoying? I guess I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Ok I'm done. I dont expect an apology. Maybe just a kiss. Or two. I'll be ok. I'm sorry if i cry. I know you hate that, but Im a girl and im allowed.
 

Can't sleep

It's been hard to focus lately. I have been moving non-stop. I kept telling myself that when school got out I would feel better and less tired. I keep feeling like I have less energy every day. The nice part is the money. Thats the only good part.

I wish I had more time to spend with Parker. I hate having him leave or for me to leave at night. Its not right.

School is creeping up slowly. I;m probably going to go shopping soon to pick up a few small things. I have to finish cleaning my room too.

I have work early so I should probably go to sleep. Goodnight.

I suppose its been a while.

Summer isn't exactly what I expected. I never see Parker. Or it feels like I dont. I miss being with him. Today means 8 months. Which is a really long time. And I love him so much.

I can't wait to make enough money so I wont ever have to go back to GMCR again. I don't care where I have to work during school, I just can't stand being there anymore. Its been too long. I'm ready to keep moving forward.

I lover you Parker, and I can't wait to move forward with you either. <3

Stressed

I have way too much to do. I'm working all the time, so I never get to see Parker. I also have this stupid summer class that I'm thinking I should have just taken online next semester. Whatever.

I just have way too much to do and no time to do it.

Home

I'm home. Finally. Just like I've wanted to be all week. But I've come to realize that this isnt the same home that I have welcomed back into my life for years. I see so many things more clearly now. The walls of this house and the confinment of this room are smothering me.

I feel more trapped than ever. My parents are struggling to control me. I have never wanted a new school year to start more than I do right now. This is the last summer I will be staying at home. And I'm glad.

I never pictured that my life would be like this right now. I pictured more freedom. I understand now that as long as I'm here I am just a pawn. I am controlled and there is no future.

I'm 19 years old and I have over 29,000 dollars in debt hanging over my head. I have no place to hide, and no current income. Fuck. I have so many plans for the future figured out that I had no time to decide on what to do now. I suppose I wait and try not to draw too much attention.

The final countdown...

I love Thursdays. I slept in until 10 today with Parker. Absolutely awesome start to my day.

I have to make time however to go to the lab and finish my accounting either today or tomorrow. And I have to take a shower.

Its so weird all the things you forget to do when your so busy. Im the worst at multitasking. I can't believe next week is finals.

I have managerial and computerized accounting on Monday, Speadsheets on Tuesday and Info Processing on Wednesday. Which means I am out of here the middle of next week. Oh and my Business Law exam is this Friday.

Im getting exciteeeeed


Hopeful

I'm very excited I'm currently on the computer that Parker built for me, which was way too nice of him and I loves a lot. Everything is sleek and black and adorable and yay!

I'm down to about 3 more weeks until summer vacation without counting finals, which I discovered that I get out on Thursday the 7th because I don't have any exams on Friday. I'm getting really excited to finally have a steady paycheck, and be able to save for next year so that I don't have to struggle like I did this year not exactly knowing what my costs would be. I'm just very excited.

I'm also very worried however, finals are coming up and this is definatly the time of year where teachers start throwing obscene projects at us. I'll be able to handle it though, I just have to focus... and not play WoW perhaps. Who knows, I'll figure it out when I get there.

Weekend.

This week is finally almost over. But not quite. I still need to clean this room a bit. My side is a huge mess, I dont know how Jess deals with it. I want to move the old coffee maker out. Pack my bags for home so I can do some laundry. Get coffee from work. Check to see how little money I have in the bank. Then maybe go get my nose pierced, maybe not though, if i really don't have any money.

Then Saturday night I'm meeting Kacey at Scott W's house. Which is who knows where and who knows what time. Getting shitfaced apparently. Then the next morning is Easter. Go figure. So I have to pretend I dont feel like shit, and deal with family. Yay.

I fucking hate Easter anyways, it is the most retarded holiday. If it actually meant what it was about then maybe I wouldnt care so much. But its not. Its about Rabbits laying colored eggs. Honestly? What does that have to do with the death of Jesus? Nothing.

When I have kids I'll probably let them do the egg hunt or whatever. But I wont tell them a fucking Easter bunny put them there. I'll tell them a chicken laid them. A huge chicken. And the Jesus part wont exist because I don't believe in him. It will just be for fun.

Almost summer...

I am so stressed out trying to pull grades up, and im so excited about summer almost being here. I'm still working everything out with my major change and everything. It is all very fusterating, but well worth it.

This year went so fast really, and now it seems to be going fast and slow at the same time. I can't wait to have a steady income, lay in the sun, and have fun with my friends. I kinda missed summer last year so hopefully this summer will make up for it.

:)

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jerkoffjill
jerkoffjill

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